"In terms of mental health, I would argue that social insulation—the space between being social—is another critical aspect of our well-being, although the benefits might not be as straightforward as with sleeping and digestion. While we’re asleep, our brain is literally cleaning itself up.³ When we’re digesting, our stomach is clearing room for more. What happens when we’re not being social? The answer isn’t as simple, and perhaps that is why we don’t talk about it enough. But the general idea is that solitude allows us to turn off what one of my clients calls “the self-monitoring self.” In other words, we get a break from the stress of being around others."
...
"Recall from Loneliness that being social is a bet. Every social interaction has the potential to go well or poorly, and the outcome can matter a great deal because, as a social species, so much of our success depends on reputaton. That is why sociality is a performance requiring extra attention and energy. If it were not a performance, we wouldn’t fret over what to wear, recite our lines beforehand, or care about criticism and praise. But we do. Of course, being around those we know best hardly feels like a performance, and that’s what so nice about close relationships."
...
"each of us has a “press secretary” in our heads whose job is to monitor how we come across to others."
...
"Basically, sociality is a multiplier on our experience because the stakes are high. If we’re social and things go well, we feel incredible—usually much better than if we had spent that time alone. If things don’t go well, we feel terrible—usually much worse than if we had spent that time alone. Spending time alone, then—i.e., socially insulating—offers a respite from the demands and risks of being social."
...
"If I’ve just spent 8 hours exercising, I’m going to need sleep more than usual. If I’ve just finished two turkey legs by myself, I’m going to need a longer period of digestion (and maybe a nap, too). Likewise, if I’ve just had a session with an emotionally unregulated client, I’m going to want (although not necessarily get) a longer break before my next one.
The need for recovery, in other words, depends on the intensity of the preceding event.
The need for social insulation will therefore depend on whether preceding social interactions were stressful ..."
"There is a world of difference between communicating with someone who might fly off the handle at any moment and someone who, almost no matter what, will reflect before responding. Some studies even suggest that high expressed emotionality (EE) households are a risk factor for mental illness. Bottom line: being a good parent, manager, therapist, or friend depends on an ability to control emotions; someone who can do this is much less stressful to be around."
"public speaking is so terrifying: you have the potential to lose face in front of a bunch of people at once, something that otherwise you could only accomplish through many repeated trials."
"degree of performativity is a combination of a) what is on the line and b) the extent to which you must “act” to acquire it."
"when someone is aware of their need for a social buffer but cannot seem to get it"
"Tiara ... who constantly travels for work, family, and friends, and must wear a different mask in pretty much every social setting—often switching masks four or five times a day. ... The requirement to constantly perform anew leaves Tiara an anxious mess. What eventually deteriorates is nothing less than her sense of self. She describes feeling “ungrounded,” depersonalized, and unsure of what her “gut” is telling her. “I just don’t know how I feel about him anymore, Josh,” she’ll say to me of her romantic partner. “But then again, I don’t know how I feel about anything—him, my job, where I live, all of it.”
Amazingly, everything returns to normal once Tiara is back home for a few weeks. A big piece of her restoration is being surrounded by her things, sleeping in her bed, and re-establishing a routine. But another part is being far less social. She’s still working, but between her coworkers and the few friends in her neighborhood, the need to socially perform is drastically reduced. And—no surprise—she soon feels like herself again."
"his value in a social setting is partially defined by what he does alone: a round-trip bike ride to Lancaster, for example, or the book he just finished reading. Without these experiences in his back pocket, he finds that he has nothing to say—no value to add. Len and I are similar in that we repair to solitude to gain something which we can then “show and tell” the group later. Without it, we feel identity-less."
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen