Jeremy Nicholson:
>the researchers designed two experiments that "jilted" some participants in various ways. In the first experiment, some participants failed to win a prize, while others succeeded. In the second experiment, some participants were denied an expected reward, while others received it. The researchers then measured how much participants liked and desired to obtain the various prizes or rewards.
The results of both experiments supported a distinction between liking and desiring—as well as the possibility of the processes working in opposition. Participants who had been jilted showed an increased desire to obtain the prizes or rewards they had been denied, as compared to non-jilted participants. However, those jilted participants also demonstrated significantly less liking for the prizes/rewards once they were obtained than non-jilted participants did—in fact, they were more willing to trade the prizes for something else.
Put simply, being denied a reward made people want it more, but like it less when they got it. In contrast, getting the reward made them like it more, but less motivated to work to obtain more of it. Or, as the authors note, "These results demonstrate how dissociable psychological subsystems for wanting and liking can be driven in opposite directions".
Passionate love and friendly liking can sometimes conflict with one another. Too much nice guy (or gal) pleasing and you may find yourself killing attraction and desire in your partner. Too much bad boy (or girl) teasing, though, and you may find that your passionate lover doesn't really like you very much.
In other words, satisfying your partner's needs or wants increases how much they like you and how friendly they feel toward you—but it may also reduce their desire to chase you for more. In contrast, not satisfying a partner's needs may keep them passionately pursuing you and trying to please you, but will eventually lead to dislike, dissatisfaction, and animosity.
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Every time Pat even hints at a want or need, Chris is quick to fill it. In fact, Chris often fills those needs before Pat truly builds up a strong desire for them, just to be nice and thoughtful—without any concern for getting something in return. Over time, Pat will come to like Chris a lot—as a companion and friend. But Pat may feel little desire for Chris and perhaps not much motivation to please in return. This is the so-called "friend zone" in which desire has fizzled out—all liking, no wanting.
Now, suppose Chris was instead neglectful of Pat's needs. Left unfulfilled, Pat's needs and wants would become very strong. Pat would most likely chase after Chris constantly, doing whatever Chris wanted, simply to get some satisfaction. Over time, Pat would come to desire Chris a lot. However, Pat might also feel a lot of resentment toward Chris and perhaps little motivation to stay in the relationship. This is the relationship with the "bad" boy or girl, or a neglectful partner, that seems so passionate at first, but ends on a sour note—all wanting, no liking.<
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