Leistungsbasierte Beziehungen, etc.:

"🔹Leistungsbasierte Beziehung

Eine Beziehung, in der Zuneigung oder Anerkennung stark davon abhängt, was jemand leistet oder „liefert“. Man fühlt sich nur wertvoll, wenn man Erwartungen erfüllt.

🔹 Konditionale Liebe / bedingte Zuneigung

Hier ist Liebe oder Nähe an Bedingungen geknüpft („Ich mag dich, wenn du …“). Das Gegenteil wäre unbedingte Akzeptanz.

🔹 Toxische Beziehung

Ein eher allgemeiner Begriff, der oft verwendet wird, wenn Druck, Kontrolle oder emotionale Belastung dominieren. Leistungsdruck kann ein Teil davon sein.

🔹 Perfektionistische Beziehungsdynamik

Wenn hohe, oft unrealistische Erwartungen herrschen und Fehler kaum Raum haben. Häufig verbunden mit Angst, nicht zu genügen.

🔹 Funktionale Beziehung

Manchmal beschreibt man solche Konstellationen auch so: Die Beziehung basiert eher auf Nutzen, Rollen oder Erwartungen als auf echter emotionaler Verbindung."

Have a Thing!:

Have A Thing

Robin Hanson

Jan 10, 2019

"I’m not into small talk; I prefer to talk to people about big ideas. I want to talk big ideas to people who are smart, knowledgeable, and passionate about big ideas, and where it seems that convincing them about something on a big idea has a decent chance of changing their behavior in important ways.

Because of this, I prefer to talk to people who “have a thing.” That is, who have some sort of abstract claim (or question) which they consider important and neglected, for which they often argue, and which intersects somehow with their life hopes/plans. When they argue, they are open to and will engage counter-arguments. They might push this thing by themselves, or as part of a group, but either way it matters to them, they represent it personally, and they have some reason to think that their personal efforts can make a difference to it.

People with a thing allow me to engage a big idea that matters to someone, via someone who has taken the time to learn a lot about it, and who is willing to answer many questions about it. Such a person creates the hope that I might change their actions by changing their mind, or that they might convince me to change my life hopes/plans. I may convince them that some variation is more promising, or that some other thing fits better with the reasons they give. Or I might know of a resource, such as a technique or a person, who could help them with their thing.

Yes, in part this is all because I’m a person with many things. So I can relate better to such people. And after I engage their thing, there’s a good chance that they will listen to and engage one of my things. Even so, having a thing is handy for many people who are different from me. It lets you immediately engage many people in conversation in a way so that they are likely to remember you, and be impressed by you if you are in fact impressive.

Yes, having a thing can be off-putting to the sort of people who like to keep everything mild and low-key, and make sure that their talk has little risk of convincing them to do something that might seem weird or passionate. But I consider this off-putting effect to be largely a gain, in sorting out the sort of people I’m less interested in.

Now having a thing won’t save you if you are a fool or an idiot. In fact, it might make that status more visible. But if you doubt you are either, consider having a thing.

Added 11p: Beware of two common failures modes for people with things: 1) not noticing how much others want to hear about your thing, 2) getting so attached to your thing that you don’t listen enough to criticism of it.

Note also that having things promotes an intellectual division of labor, which helps the world to better think through everything."

Positive Tension:

David Deida:

"[Many people] feel at ease only when they are depleted of energy, such as after a full meal ... They can't handle long periods of high energy without feeling hyper, stressed, or anxious. They can't wait to have a beer, chat with a friend, watch TV, stuff their faces ..."

"To develop [the] capacity for sustained high energy ... Don't fidget. Don't eat unnecessary snacks. ... Don't talk excessively. Don't watch TV or read newspapers, catalogs, books, and magazines simply due to habit. Don't grind your jaw or tap your pencil unconsciously.

If you stop depleting your energies through these habitual means, you may first notice yourself getting anxious to some degree. This is because your body is being filled with more energy than it used to handling. In the past you might ... to release energy and decrease your internal force. Now, since you have plugged many of these leaks, your internal pressure builds."

Re-Enchantment:

"Learn to love things, not control them

Lots of people are talking about “enchantment” recently: how we lost it, the consequences of losing it, how we might re-enchant our world again.

But precisely what enchantment means is hard to pin down. To many, it is the idea that the world we inhabit is not fully explainable by us. That our world is inherently meaningful, and so too our participation in it.

Put another way, it is not simply that the nearby forest may play host to mysterious forces or creatures, but that your own journey through the trees is participating in some greater story that you cannot fully know.

For J.R.R. Tolkien, enchantment could be identified as something more specific: something approximating the feeling of un-possessive love or wonder. I’ve personally found learning to cultivate this perspective to be incredibly useful."

Spontanes Erzählen:

Es ist oft sehr interessant, über welche Themen Personen spontan, d.h. aus sich heraus, zu erzählen anfangen. Dort wo spontan erzählt wird, dort liegt oft die eigentliche Interessiertheit der Person:

"Sage mir, über welche Themen Du ohne äußeren Anlass sprichst, und ich sage Dir, wer Du bist!"

Gespräche:

Bei guter zwischenmenschlicher Passung sind die Gespräche wohl tendenziell leicht und einfach und fließend.

Was bindet am stärksten?

"Am stärksten binden – eine Kombination aus echtem Gesehen-werden, gemeinsamer Geschichte, intermittierender Verstärkung und Identitätsverschmelzung. Nicht notwendigerweise die gesündeste Kombination, aber die wirkungsmächtigste."